Lettuce drop the garlic!

I have never been much of a chef. A baker, yes! (With the exception of my last birthday cake disaster) Pies & cookies, all in my wheel house. And I am happy to attempt any breakfast item with some confidence as well. But that's where it ends. The confidence that I am able to put into other things in my life simply does not show up when cooking dinners. Too many variables, too many ingredients, and the timing of it all coming together makes me a bit crazy. 

Tacos, Spaghetti, and well, Tacos - my comfort zone and old reliables. 

So a little over a year ago, Jason and I decided to start eating as clean as possible. This meant cutting out the prepackaged foods and frozen meals, and using actual recipes and fresh ingredients. And planning ahead. Which is ironic, as I am quite the planner in all aspects of my life. Except with dinner! 

Fast forward to last night. 

I had all my ingredients to make Copycat PF Changs Chicken Lettuce Wraps. Yum city!  Chopping commenced. I realized that it called for two cloves of garlic, freshly minced. Well, why do that when I have a big jar of it, already minced and ready to use?! 

Picture a slow motion video here, as I pulled it from the fridge, and then proceeded to drop the entire jar of minced garlic onto the tile kitchen floor. 

The jar shattered, glass and garlic went flying (and so did the "f" word).

Twenty minutes later I had cleaned up all of the mess. Though my tile grout may smell of garlic for a couple of years at least. Back to cooking. 

All ingredients are now chopped, sautéing gently in the pan. 

Don't forget the sriracha! 

It calls for 1 tsp of sriracha. Well let's not dirty a measuring spoon for that! Just a squirt or two should be fine!  

Another slow motion video sequence please. 

Squirt, then POP! The lid to the sriracha is now simmering along side the ground chicken, with about 1/2 cup of that spicy sriracha sauce.  
More flying "f" words! 

Really!? How did my karma get so out of whack today? 

To top off my stellar cooking experience, while filling up my water cup to drink with dinner, I somehow spilled it all down the front of the cupboards and onto the floor. Can I blame it on the dog who wasn't even in the room? 

Photo Courtesy of DamnDelicious.net

I mean really.... 

At least they tasted amazing! Spicy, but amazing.

Here is the recipe- hoping yours are accident and "f" bomb free! 

http://damndelicious.net/2014/05/30/pf-changs-chicken-lettuce-wraps/

#pfchangslettucewraps #accidentprone #fbombs #callitaday

Adventures with Betty Crocker - A confessional

Time for some transparency. A little peak into the cracks of the mom who appears to have it together. ;) 

I love myself some DIY! There is just something fun and adventurous about making things from scratch. Whether its painting, building, creating, I enjoy the thrill of being able to say "I made that!" I have this habit (good, or bad?) of seeing something cool, sometimes when I am out and about, maybe on Pinterest, or in a shop, etc, and saying to myself "Oh I could totally make that!" My sister Shannon is the same way with some pretty amazing stuff, so maybe it is genetic? :)

And while I have had success in some areas with this "do it yourself" attitude, it is time to share a humbling little story of DIY gone awry!

My son Cole was turning 4, and the theme of the party was the Disney Cars movie, specifically his favorite character, Mater. My Pinterest board was blowing up with ideas on cakes, decor and menu items. And then I saw this darling cake idea:

http://mediocremothering.blogspot.com/

Cute right?! And since  store bought cakes usually taste like crap (unless you order from Lambs Thriftway) and are so expensive (see my total spent below!), I knew I could make this DIY all day.  I mean, how hard could it be really? 

Ha ha ha....ugh. 

Friday night, cakes are all made (from a box!), cooled, waiting. I didn't bother to read any blogs about how to do this, just jumped in feet first. Because I can do this. I had spent some time at the Decorette Shop that week, even bought their pre-made butter cream frosting to make this a quick and easy job. 

I stacked the first layer of cake on my board and tried to apply a gloriously fluffy coat of frosting. It was like watching a lint roller, picking up red cake as it went - not sticking, just rolling up bits of cake up into the frosting and making a huge mess. The cake was so soft that the the frosting would not come off the knife. Oh Betty Crocker, and your moist, delicious cakes.

Insert the beginning of me swearing. 

My patient husband sat on the couch nearby, offering words of "encouragement" (none of which I could receive nor appreciate in my state of panic). I had purchased 3 tubs of this stupid frosting from the shop, and already used one to just cover the middle of the first layer. I still had 3 more  layers to go, just on the bottom cake. Oh yes folks, this was going to be a two-tiered cake! Because I can totally make that! (You can hear my sarcasm, right?!)

Ugh. 

Did I mention yet that I had to Jenga together my layers of cake? Because of course, I didn't have the exact size of cake pans that you needed to create the size of the bottom cake. (More swearing inserted here.) And frosting really doesn't want to spread onto cake when the cake is a big, fluffy, cut up sponge. More swearing. 

So I get to this point:

 Oh, hello hot mess....

I've used about 2 tubs of that "professional" frosting. I still have a top tier to make. And first I am going to have to cover this bad boy in frosting. I think I made one sad attempt to swipe the frosting onto the side of the cake before I threw the knife into the sink and swore loudly some more. 

At this point Jason came in and turned on Pandora Christmas Radio. The man knows me. Michael Buble soothes me. Bing Crosby inspires me. This is cake is going down....and not the drain. At least not yet...

Let's all welcome a new player in the game: 

 Someone get me a spoon!

This amazing little tub of joy spreads, it glides, it goes on like butter on toast. Screw you professional grade frosting. The Pillsbury Dough Boy is my new quarterback. I am officially  entering into BEAST MODE! 

I covered the bitch of a cake in a layer of creamy goodness. Then looked over at the rest of the bright red cake waiting to be stacked and frosted. And I just didn't have it in me. 

But good, old Bing Crosby was crooning away, and I had an idea! 

Being the mini-hoarder that I am, I remembered that I had saved these pieces of Styrofoam from inside a couple of lanterns I got on clearance at Target (no judgement, I must have known that I would need them!) 

It's not hoarding if you might use it!

Stuck two of them together, slathered them in frosting and smacked them on top of the real cake. There are no picture of this. I had no patience for pictures of a cake that I may or may not be walking out to the dumpster any moment.

Now for the "easy" part. Covering it all in graham cracker crumbs. 

Time saver!

It wouldn't stick. 

The fact that I didn't start drinking heavily somewhere in the middle of all of this is truly amazing. 

So I had to hand press the gram cracker crumbs it into the frosting, make it all a lumpy, crumbly, blobby mess. I am crying. Jason is ready to go to bed. Its moving into hour three at this point.

And it ended up looking like this: 

To which my husband pointed out "Isn't it supposed to look like a dirt hill?"

And suddenly - Oh wait - It was supposed to look like a dirt hill! 

Do you mean that this horrible bitch cake might have actually turned out to look kind of cool?

And do you know what, when Coleson came down the next morning and saw it, his first words were "OH WOW! I love it Mom!" And he took every guest that came through the door straight over to show them his cake.

He loved it!

And while it really did taste awful, the kids only paused long enough to eat three bites anyways and were back to playing. 

Success...

Total Cost of this production:
6 boxes of cake mix - $15.00
18 eggs - $3.50
1 Bottle Vegetable Oil - $2.50
Red Food Coloring - $2.50
3 Tubs of "professional" frosting - $22.50
1 Box of Green Fondant - $9.00
3 Boxes of Graham Cracker Crumbs (used 1!) $8.28
3 Tubs of Pillsbury Frosting - $7.50
2 new small cake pans - $6.00

Grand Total: $76.78

I mean really....
Am I supposed to say next "Seeing my son's reaction when he loved his cake - Priceless"??

Maybe.

But you won't find me baking a birthday cake any time soon.
There are professionals out there that can tame that cake beast with little more than their baby finger. 
Please accept my apology for not respecting your art form and talent! 

 I salute you, and I will hire you! 

- Allison